


Hourglass

by voxofthevoid



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff, Bottom Levi, But mostly angst, Canon Divergence, Emotional Sex, Explicit Sex, I Tried, Idiots in Love, Implied Character Death, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Canon, Sorry My Hand Slipped, Top Eren, because I can’t help myself, but you know what they say about those, canonverse, chronology is a joke, communication issues, denial is not just a river in egypt, dying character, eren has good intentions, eren’s better but then he gets worse, eren’s his canon age thus the underage tag, let’s also ignore recent manga revelations, levi doesn’t know how to deal with feelings, levi is emotionally constipated, now tell levi that, past eren/annie - Freeform, some small variations from canon for shipping purposes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-08-27 09:02:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8395633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voxofthevoid/pseuds/voxofthevoid
Summary: “I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever did.”  Eren tries too hard. Levi makes a choice he regrets.





	1. had to fall to lose it all

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a one-shot but then it got out of hand a bit so I thought I’d cut it into bit-sized chapters instead ending up with a behemoth one-shot.

Someone’s knocking on his door, hesitant but persistent. It’s not so unusual, considering Levi’s rank and the duties that accompany it, but it’s the middle of the fucking night when most normal human beings are dead to the world and which no sane person would think of as a good time to go knocking on an officer’s door. Especially not Levi’s door.

The only people who would dare are Hanji and Eren, but the former is smart enough to leave Levi be when he’s sleepless and ten times more irritable than usual, and as for Eren, well-

Eren hasn’t bothered to knock in ages, usually bursting into the room as if it were his own, which it is, more or less, but Levi would swallow broken glass before admitting so. 

With one last look at the stack of documents before him, oddly intimidating for sheets of innocuous white paper, Levi pushes away from his desk, leaning back in his chair and calling for whoever it is to come in. Unholy hour or not, this is potentially more interesting than the never-ending mount of paperwork that shows no sign of abating despite the war itself being over for nearly a year.

The door opens with the same slow hesitancy of the knocking and Levi’s late night visitor steps inside.

It’s Eren.

His first response is confusion, followed by the usual burst of warm happiness that he knows he’s a fool for feeling but then he gets a good look at Eren’s face, pale and drawn, brows furrowed and lips tight. He knows that face, understands that whatever’s brought Eren here is troubling the other. His arms itch with the need to close around Eren, to smooth the lines from his face until he’s bright again. It’s inconvenient but Levi’s long since resigned himself to these feelings.

He’s resigned himself to a lot of feelings when it comes to Eren, none of which are helped by the fact that he’s allowed these things, to touch and hold and love the boy.

He’s about to speak, a half-formed query of concealed concern, when Eren beats him to it.

“We need to talk, Levi,” he says, voice strangely hollow. His eyes dart around the room before finally coming to rest on Levi. One look at them and he knows something’s wrong, something more severe than the troubles he could sooth away with whispered words and gentle touches. Levi feels cold all over.

“Talk,” he repeats numbly, unaware of the reason behind Eren’s behavior and his own inexplicable dread.

Eren seems to take his mindless echo as permission. His gaze hardens with that familiar determination, all of it focused on Levi but failing perhaps for the first time to fill him with warmth or fire.

“I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever did.”

Oh.

_Oh._

There’s a sudden lack in himself, a dark hollow opening up inside and swallowing everything, and for one infinite moment, Levi can’t speak, can’t think, can’t even fucking breathe because-

“I’m sorry, Levi.”

Levi can only stare at him, distantly aware that he should say something but physically unable. His tongue is dead weight and he’s thankful that he’s sitting. Otherwise he might collapse and wouldn’t that be a joke. The great Captain Levi fainting because of a boy a decade his junior. Or maybe not. Eren’s always been able to affect him like no other.

He’s torn from his thoughts when he realizes that Eren hasn’t finished speaking. Levi recognizes the cadence of his voice and the rapid spew of words as the frantic, earnest rambling Eren is prone to when nervous. The actual content is harder to comprehend, Levi’s mind numb with shock, but he can discern words like _young_ and _hero-worship_ and _confused_ and many more apologies.

He remembers another scene much like this, not even a year ago, when Eren stood before him and word-vomited all over the place in a desperate attempt to convince Levi that _I_ _really do love you I’m not a kid anymore I know what I feel dammit Captain look at me_

Except clearly, Eren really was just a confused kid then because the boy-man in front of him now has different ideas.

There’s a part of Levi – small and quiet and usually smothered by fear and practicality and a million pretty excuses but alive nonetheless because it’s stupidly resilient like the rest of him – that’s writhing in protest, screaming that it wasn’t a lie, that the softness of Eren’s eyes and the tender reverence of his lips weren’t a goddamned lie, but that part is easily silenced, cast away to languish in the dark as everything that is weak about Levi.

Finally, Eren’s tirade comes to an end but he doesn’t leave, instead stands there looking at Levi who realizes that he’s waiting for a response. Levi wants to punch him but that feels like too much effort and he’d only hurt himself more with it anyway.

So he meets Eren’s intent stare, unaware of his own expression but hoping it’s the blank mask that he wears like a second skin, and says, “Okay. That’s fine.”

It’s really not.

Eren only nods, looking terribly unsurprised by this answer. As far as he knows, it is fine. As far as he knows, Levi doesn’t love him, has never been anything but annoyed by Eren’s past ardent confessions.

“I apologize for any inconvenience my foolishness has caused you, sir.” It’s an oddly formal way of speaking, utterly unsuited to Eren. And then they boy is gone, with a crisp salute that makes Levi want to laugh. Or maybe cry. The difference is rather scant at the moment.

The silence left in his wake hurts blissfully dully through the haze of shock. But then the haze clears in one fell swoop and Levi is bent over his desk, papers and inkpot swept away in the helpless rage of the scream caught in his throat.

Through the pain that is just another version of the kind that he is so familiar with, Levi acknowledges that he’s always been waiting for this. Eren’s young and brilliant and beautiful. With the titans gone and humanity freed, there’s a whole new world out there. It was always inevitable that Eren would come to his senses and move past a broken old man like Levi. From the first kiss, from Eren’s first fervent confession, Levi’s been waiting for this.

That didn’t stop him from falling.

And now that it’s come to pass, that doesn’t stop him from hurting.

 

_Four Years Ago_

It’s very hard to see a monster in Eren Jaeger’s resting form, his face slack and oddly peaceful in sleep. He looks like the boy he is, disconcertingly young when magnetic gleam of rage in his eyes is hidden from view by closed lids.

One wouldn’t look at this peacefully slumbering boy and think of the behemoth creature of fire and fury that had flattened half a town and ripped into pieces an old friend turned enemy.

Levi knows better, has known from that day in the courtroom that whatever Eren is, a normal boy is not it. Shifting ability aside, there’s a spark in him that can turn at any moment into a raging inferno, vehement and unstoppable.

Monster, in more ways than one, some of them better than the others.

It’s why Levi likes him, though he’s certain that not even Eren himself is aware of that. That’s probably for the best; Eren’s hero-worship is bad enough as it is, it’s vaguely terrifying to think of what he might cook up once he realizes that Levi does not in fact hate his guts.

On the bed, Eren stirs, mumbles something into his pillow and sighs. But he doesn’t wake and his face remains as uncharacteristically relaxed as before.

Levi doesn’t really know why he’s here. There’s no shortage of people to watch over the brat. He had to order Ackerman out of the room and while Arlert left quietly, the smile he shot Levi had reminded him eerily of Erwin and not in a good way. Even the horse-faced decoy boy was hovering around the door prior to Levi’s arrival, alternating between concerned glances and angry glares at Eren. So it’s not like Lei needs to be here. With Stohess a mess, it’s likely that he would be of better use somewhere else even with a fucked up ankle.

But some lingering sense of responsibility had driven him here, had made him take up vigil beside Eren’s bedside as the boy slept on, blissfully oblivious to the shitstorm outside.

Eren is part of his squad, its only remaining member. No matter how many friends he may have, it doesn’t change the fact that he is ultimately under Levi’s care.

Eren shifts again, flopping on to his back from where he was curled up on his side, his forehead furrowing under the wraps and lending some familiarity to his face. Even from his position on a chair beside the bed, Levi can feel the heat radiating off the boy. He leans forward to rest the back of his hand on Eren’s cheek, unsurprised to find him burning up, the temperature too high even for Eren’s typical human furnace standards. It’s not that concerning; Hanji seems to think it’s a normal physiological reaction to shifting but Levi just wants the brat to cool down and wake up.

He gets his wish a little earlier than anticipated.

Levi looks away from his hand on the boy’s cheek and right into a pair of green eyes, brilliant despite the exhaustion evident in them. Levi doesn’t start, doesn’t react except to pull back his hand and settle back into his chair.

“Captain?” It’s a barely audible whisper.

Eren’s awake. He’s fine. Levi can leave now.

He doesn’t.

“Brat. Took you long enough.”

“Sorry.” And then Eren _smiles_ at him, dazed and looking half-dead but smiling as if he wasn’t shivering in fear at the sight of Levi just a few weeks ago. But he knows that the fear drained away at some point and was replaced by respect and more affection than Levi knows what to do with. Each time he has seen that directed at him, he has also seen the person in question end up dead. Some things are inevitable. His former squad can testify.

Thankfully, the smile disappears as quickly as it appeared, replaced by a confused frown. Eren struggles up into a sitting position.

“Sir, is Annie…?”

“Still frozen. We can’t penetrate the crystal.”

Eren grimaces at Levi’s irate tone, casting his eyes down and fisting his hands in his lap.

“I’m sorry, Captain. It’s my fault-”

“Shut it, brat.” Levi cuts him off before the situation becomes a repeat of the last time he talked to Eren alone. “You tried. You should know by now that you can’t control the outcome, only live with it.”

“You told me to make choices I won’t regret.”

 “Yeah.”

Eren doesn’t say anything else, though they both know that he does regret. The silence is awkward, heavy with things left unspoken. But neither of them are any good with words, that sort of shit is better left to people like Erwin and Eren’s little blonde friend.

Eren’s friends. They’ll want to see him.

Levi stands to leave but a tug on his jacket stops him before he can take even a step.

“What?” He frowns down at Eren but the boy’s eyes are fixed on his own hand fisted in Levi’s clothes. He looks constipated. “ _Eren_.”

The sound of his name jolts him out of whatever nonsensical daydream he was engaged in. Still, he doesn’t let go but pulls instead, and Levi, caught off guard, stumbles on to the edge of the bed, catching himself with a hand on the mattress just as Eren catches his mouth in a kiss.

The angle’s wrong and they collide too forcefully but Eren resolutely keeps his lips glued to Levi’s, not moving, just pressing. And Levi lets him.

At least until he regains his mental faculties and pulls back, gaping at Eren who just sits there with his eyes scrunched shut as if that would save him from Levi’s wrath. Except that Levi’s not feeling all that wrathful, mostly just confused and a little stunned. He licks his lips and tastes nothing.

“What. The hell are you doing, you shitty brat?”

Eren stops bracing himself for a punch that doesn’t come and looks at Levi, eyes as wide as saucers as if _he_ was the one that was kissed out of the blue. Levi’s still a little confused about that. He knows that Eren has a bad case of hero-worship but this is a whole other monster, no pun intended.

“I, um, I just-” Eren gulps but doesn’t look away from him. “I wanted to do that at least once, sir.”

This was not what Levi meant when he said about choosing the path with least regrets. He says as much but Eren only shrugs, mumbling something unintelligible and looking away. Levi knows he should leave before this gets more complicated but his body won’t move.

“Why?” Why _him_. Eren’s young, not a stunner but still a good-looking kid once you got past the insane eyes. And Levi’s about twice his age. Is he that hormonally desperate or is this some terrible mutation of that hero-worship? For some reason, the second option seems far worse than the first.

Eren doesn’t answer, though he does return his gaze to Levi. He shrugs again.

“Don’t get attached, brat. This is war, not a romance novel.” It’s too late to ward off attachment. Levi never learns his lesson and Eren has too big a heart but the words are a necessary barrier, something to put a stop to whatever it is that’s gleaming in Eren’s verdant eyes.

But Eren’s never been put off by barriers, has always charged at them head on without even considering the probability that they won’t crumple under his ironclad resolve, and this one is no different.

“I don’t want romance, Captain Levi,” he says and the hand still clutching Levi’s jacket moves to hover over his shoulder. “But I do want to kiss you again.” He stares at Levi like he wants the permission he did not bother with before. His stare is hopeful and almost too intense to meet.

Levi doesn’t say yes because that path will only lead to disaster.

But he doesn’t say no either because clearly, his mind also broke along with his ankle in that thrice-damned forest.

Eren doesn’t waste the chance. His arms wrap tight around Levi, pulling him further onto the bed and against Eren who kisses him, properly this time, mouth open and tongue hot against the seam of Levi’s lips. He allows it, doesn’t know why when he was thinking moments ago that Eren’s just a boy and Levi’s never seen him this way anyway but the fact is that Eren doesn’t _kiss_ like a kid; his mouth is sweet and hot and coaxing, and Levi-

And Levi, in that moment, is just weak enough to give in.

He doesn’t regret it.

Later, he will push Eren away and tell him that this won’t happen again, and he will know that it’s a lie.

 


	2. time is a valuable thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slip of the tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titles are from Linkin Park’s 'In The End' but the song has nothing to do with the story unless you omit a few parts and squint really hard.

No amount of burying himself in the conveniently endless amount of paperwork is enough to distract Levi from the truth he desperately doesn’t want to acknowledge.

He misses Eren.

What’s funny is the countless times in the past four years that Levi told Eren to not get attached. It was his mantra, not to himself because he foolishly thought himself safe from _falling_ , but to Eren who always only smiled, cheerfully in the beginning and wistfully towards the end when the brat was still under the delusion of loving Levi.

A delusion he has clearly grown out of as recent events have shown. And that leaves Levi, pining for the kid despite knowing that he made the right decision. Eren’s growing up, moving on and it’s not that Levi doesn’t want to be happy for him but it’s hard to do that when there’s a bigass boulder weighing down his chest, turning every breath into a world of pain whenever he remembers that he won’t turn around and see Eren smiling at him like Levi hung the fucking sky and decorated it with stars just for him.

He remembers often.

Eren, for his part, seems to have mastered the skill of avoiding Levi. It’s admittedly not a hard task given that Levi only leaves his room to eat and train, the latter of which is a solitary exercise (Eren used to join him, said he loved to watch Levi, always kissed him afterwards with barely constrained hunger). Meal times would have been trickier but Eren is never there when Levi is, showing more tact than Levi has previously seen from him.

These days, there’s not much for the Survey Corps to do inside the walls except stock up on supplies for the next exploration expedition and that doesn’t involve Levi. There’s ample paperwork which Hanji seems fond of pushing off on him so that they can gallivant around experimenting, the brief forays into the outside world providing ample new material for them. It’s simultaneously a blessing and a curse. On one hand, he can shut himself in and avoid people without making it seem like he’s moping.

On the other, it leaves him with little company but his thoughts which are always Eren this, Eren that, as if a few years of constant exposure to a hyperactive brat with no brain to mouth filter has left Levi unable to cope without his loud presence.

Maybe it has. It would fit right in with the series of clusterfucks that have made up his joke of a life.

And the damnedest thing is that he can’t bring himself to regret even a moment with Eren.

 

_Three-Four Years Ago_

 

It is, in fact, a lie.

For some time after that first kiss, there are no further complications, both of them too busy with newfound threats and their obligations to humanity. But eventually, things settle down somewhat and Levi finds out the hard way that Eren did not conveniently forget that kiss nor the stilted conversation that followed.

It’s not that Levi particularly wants to have morally ambiguous trysts with his _much_ younger _subordinate_ but Eren is a relentless force of nature who is all too happy to take Levi’s silence as permission and Levi, for his part, finds himself exceptionally weak to the way Eren’s hands and mouth spread fire through his veins. It’s the most alive he’s felt in years. The sensation is almost addictive.

Then there’s the fact that he genuinely likes Eren, a sentiment which is obviously returned. And oddly enough, Eren seems interested in spending time with Levi without pinning him to walls or pulling him into dark corners, time usually spent in companionable silence occasionally broken by Levi’s shitty jokes and Eren’s responses which range from startled laughter to audible eye-rolling.

It’s all disgustingly pleasant.

Levi sometimes repeats his first warning to Eren, to not get attached, that romance is a joke, but the boy is always quick to assure him – with an appreciative leer that sits as unsettlingly attractively on his face as his expression of unconstrained rage – that he just wants Levi’s body. And hopefully his friendship.

Let it never be said that Eren Jaeger is not honest.

Levi has few friends, neither his position nor his disposition all that conductive to the patterns that most people fall into effortlessly. There’s Erwin but theirs is a relationship laden with too much darkness to ever attain any kind of carefree sincerity. There’s respect between them and maybe some form of love, but no affection. Hanji is an odd case, their own boundaries as few as their respect for that of others. That they care for Levi is obvious and the sentiment is returned because Levi’s always been weak to people who see him as he is without the embellishments brought on by his reputation but it’s pointless to try and steer anything involving Hanji into any form of normalcy.

So when Eren Jaeger speaks of friendship with a guileless grin and a too-soft gaze, Levi’s lost on what to say or do. He has no framework to fall back on, not even the slightest clue on how to go about _forming_ a friendship when in the past, it’s always been something that just _happened_ to him.

But then Eren says, “I like to think we already are though. Friends, I mean?”

His tone tilts at the end, uncertain and hopeful, and Levi really doesn’t know how to deal with this guy. He’s almost envious of the good old days when all he had to worry about was if he could cut Eren out of his titan without killing him in the process.

But only almost because confusion aside, he can’t deny that he likes this arrangement better.

The sex is good, excellent even, a welcome respite from the endless strain of life. Eren’s no blushing virgin nor does he have even a vague sense of shame. What he lacks in skill, he makes up for with enthusiasm and patient observation. It’s arousing, if a little shocking, to see the way he throws himself into the target of his interest, said target being Levi himself in this case, with a whole-hearted fervor that never fails to leave Levi a panting, exhausted mess.

He’s good company too, surprisingly enough. He’s not as insufferably loud as his occasional outbursts indicate, and seems capable of keeping his mouth shut while doing whatever task he’s assigned or taken up himself without bothering Levi with inane conversation.

And when they do talk, it’s easy and entertaining. Eren has long since grown used to Levi’s crassness and the boy’s tactless honesty complements it well.

“Captain?” Eren waves a hand in front of his face, instinctively leaning away when Levi swats at his head. He smiles at Levi, happy and playful. Levi notices their easy familiarity with each other with a start.

Huh.

When did that happen?

“Levi,” he says, mind reeling from the realization he has yet to truly process. “Not Captain. Calling me my name would be a good start.”

Eren’s expression of shocked pleasure is strangely gratifying.

“Only in private,” he clarifies quickly, “You’re still my subordinate.”

“Of course,” Eren agrees easily, still beaming like he’s single-handedly won the titan war. It’s kind of endearing, a thought that Levi quickly cleanses from his mind.

And so in the end, that’s what they become. Friends.

Friends who often fuck. It’s simple and uncomplicated.

Until it isn’t.

Levi isn’t sure exactly what series of events led to Eren spending nights in his bed, waking him with the morning with wandering hands and sneaking out to his own room before anyone can see, but he vaguely remembers something about cold dungeons and an ill-thought offer made in post-orgasmic haze. He can blame no one but himself for allowing Eren to continue doing it.

He knows it’s a bad idea but it’s a minor point in the long list of bad decisions he’s made concerning the boy.

And if Levi sleeps better with a warm body pressed close to his own and familiar hands holding him, that’s only for him to know.

That’s how he wakes one morning, Eren curled around his back, face pressed to Levi’s hair and legs tangled with his. His arms are tight around Levi, clingy in sleep in a way he never is when awake. Levi shakes off the last vestiges of sleep and turns in the arms caging him in, Eren unconsciously adjusting his grip to permit the moment.

Up close, Eren looks peaceful, as he always does when asleep.

“Oi, brat, wake up.”

Eren’s eyes blink open, unfocused for a moment before clarity descends. He doesn’t bother moving away or releasing Levi, opting instead to press even closer, ducking his head to Levi’s for a close-mouthed kiss. It’d be disconcertingly sweet if not for the way Eren’s hips jerk forward, rubbing their morning erections together with little ceremony and drawing a gasp from Levi. Eren doesn’t waste the chance and the kiss goes from sweet to filthy lightening fast.

Eren is as relentless as ever, undulating his body with slow, firm motions that complement the dance of his tongue in Levi’s mouth. Levi finds it easy to surrender to the sensations, to stop thinking and sink into the pleasure, to allow Eren to drink in his gasps and sighs with enthusiastic delight. When a broad hand wraps around both of their cocks and strokes, Levi rests his head against Eren’s shoulder and breathes through the mounting pressure until his breath is stolen from him in splashes of white.

Afterwards, Eren pulls back, not too far, just enough to look at Levi and grin in dazed contentment.

It’s not too bad, getting used to this kind of mornings.

“Damn,” Eren murmurs, voice husky with sleep and something else. “ _Damn_ , I love you.”

Levi freezes, the pleasurable fog clearing from his mind in an instant, replaced by a clarity that is painful in its sharpness. Eren seems unconcerned, still smiling happily, and for an instant, Levi is tempted to believe that he imagined those words. But he knows he didn’t. The words echo in his mind and the casual sincerity with which they were uttered make him feel vaguely sick.

Eren finally notices Levi’s stiff body and stricken expression, frowning in confusion before what he said fully registers.

“Oh. Shit. Levi, I-” For once, he seems at a loss on what to say, gaping at Levi with bright eyes opened wide. There’s the first stirring of panic in them. But then they slip shut and he watches as Eren breathes deep and slow in a visible attempt to calm down. Levi himself is still frozen, his own emotions a wild mixture of fear and anger and sorrow.

“I’m sorry,” Eren says quietly, eyes opening once again. “I’ve said it so many times in my head that it just slipped out.”

That doesn’t help. At all.

He opens his mouth but Eren cuts him off, saying, “I know you don’t reciprocate. That’s fine. I’m absolutely fine with that.”

Eren’s usually a better liar than that.

“Brat. _Eren_ , how many times have I told you-”

“Don’t get attached, this isn’t a romance.” Eren cuts him off _again_ , which would usually piss him off but Levi has other concerns now, like the shakiness of Eren’s false smile and the ice spreading through his own chest. “I remember that but- but it was always too late to avoid attachment, even back then. You know that. As for romance, well it’s not like I expect that. I’m firmly rooted in reality, Captain. I don’t expect you to fall in love with me just because I did. Can’t you just forget that I said anything?”

Levi doesn’t bother answering that, his expression alone making it clear what he thinks of that.

Neither of them talks much after that. Levi’s half lost in his own thoughts but at the same time, unable to ignore Eren whose presence seems to have doubled in size, suffocating him.

If the way Eren’s acting is any indication – glazed eyes staring at nothing one moment, uncertain glances at Levi the next – then he’s feeling the same.

For the first time since the early days of their affair, the air between them is unbearably awkward.

Stupid shitbrained brat. How dare he-

If Levi could think in more than broken, curse-ridden sentences, he would try and sort out a proper response to the boy but he _can’t_.

He can’t.

It’s Eren who leaves first and Levi watches his back, broad and tense and still undeniably attractive.

But Eren doesn’t just walk out and leave this sordid mess behind. Of course not. Instead he stops with the door half-open and turns, eyes not quite meeting Levi’s as he says, “I didn’t mean to say it. But Captain Levi, I don’t regret that I did.”

And then he’s gone but the air is no less suffocating for it.

Or maybe that’s just Levi.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second section is over thrice the length of the first. Oops.
> 
> Look at me trying to write angst while trying not to be melodramatic and having no clue if it’s working. Is it working?


	3. kept everything inside and it all fell apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“We gonna talk about the titan in the room or what?”_
> 
> _At that, Levi finally looks up, reluctantly meeting Eren’s gaze only to find it fixed on the ceiling. He’s sitting with his chair precariously tipped back, arms locked under his head. There’s a little twist to his mouth that is in no way happy._
> 
> _“Didn’t know you were that in love with yourself.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the present segment is more introspection than any plot progression. This is gonna come bite me in the ass in the later chapters.

It doesn’t get any easier but Levi soon becomes accustomed the dull ache of Eren’s absence.

He’s used to loss and in a way, this is nowhere near bad as it could have been. Eren’s still alive after all. Alive and whole.

The confines of his room gets old quite fast and he ventures out more – he wasn’t hiding or moping or wasting away like a lovelorn fool and Hanji can just shove their assumptions up their unwashed ass. There’s still not much to do but some extra training can never be amiss, especially when the rush of defying gravity takes his mind off less pleasant matters if only for a brief time.

He still doesn’t run into Eren, not even once, further proof of the great pains he’s taking to avoid Levi.

He supposes he should feel grateful for the consideration, if that’s what it is and not simply embarrassment, but he finds himself oddly irritated at Eren’s continued avoidance. What’s the point? The royal mess of their relationship aside, Eren is still Levi’s squadmate, one of the few surviving ones, and they’ll have to see each other sooner or later, probably sooner with the next expedition fast approaching.

They’re all mature adults here. Surely they can get past a few years worth of sex and botched confessions.

(Broken hearts aren’t even in the equation; Eren was only fooling himself and Levi has always kept his own counsel.)

And as much as he hates to admit it, he’s… worried. For Eren. Recent events aside, Levi _knows_ Eren, knows that for all his determination and one-track mind, he still tortures himself if left alone with his thoughts. And now, with Armin and Mikasa dead, and Jean over at Sina, there’s no one left to pull Eren out of the dark places in his head, forcibly if needed. No one except Levi but he can’t do jackshit because Eren is hiding from him.

They were friends once. Levi, masochistically, wants that back, for Eren’s sake if not his own.

But then, he wants a lot of things that he can’t have.

In the end, it’s another week before he finally catches sight of Eren. It’s nothing more than the side of his head and the tail end of his jacket but even that sends Levi’s heart racing, thundering against his ribcage like it wants to burst out and hop after the boy.

Foolish thing. It should know better.

Levi doesn’t try to follow him; he’s not that pathetic and even if he were, the room Eren disappeared into is Hanji’s and Levi knows from past experience that the place is more hazardous than titan territory.

He’s curious about why Eren’s visiting Hanji at their private room than their office but it’s none of his business. He knows that they are fond of Eren and that the sentiment is mutual. Maybe he shouldn’t be as worried for Eren as he is, even if Hanji’s interpersonal skills are more suited for handling titans than people.

Either way, it really is none of his business.

But that first glimpse is like the first drop of rain after a long draught; a torrent follows. He gets brief snatches of Eren’s familiar profile, his broad back in the distance and once, a flash of striking green that disappears before their eyes can meet. And every single instance is near Hanji, at their room, their office or the basement they’ve claimed as their lab. Levi is a suspicious person by nature and the unease that springs up at this is more justified than usual.

There are no such things as coincidences.

It’s not that he’s jealous - envious perhaps that Hanji can effortlessly, painlessly enjoy the company he still longs for, but never jealous. A possible love affair is not what concerns him but he doesn’t know exactly why he’s fretting either.

Maybe it’s nothing.

Maybe Eren’s just seeking solace in the only friend he has left.

Maybe.

 

_Three Years Ago_

 

Things between them aren’t as awkward as they should be.

Eren, after a day of stealthily avoiding Levi, comes to his room at night as usual and proceeds to act like nothing untoward has happened. Levi is only too glad to follow his lead, still too discomfited by the memory of the morning to even attempt any sort of discussion. How would that go in any case? There’s nothing he can tell Eren that the brat doesn’t already know. And Eren seems to be at peace with his misguided affection, too much so for more words from Levi to dissuade dim.

He could do the smart thing and end this.

Their relationship has always been complicated; officer and soldier, accused monster and designated executioner. Friendship has muddled the waters enough, adding love to the mix, no matter how one-sided, is just begging for disaster.

Levi really should push the brat away and tell him this has to stop. Eren would listen to him, perhaps not at first and definitely not without protests, but if Levi stays firm, he’d cave.

And yet, Levi doesn’t say a word, doesn’t _stop_ , because in his own way, he’s weak. He doesn’t want to give up Eren, not his friendship or their odd companionship. In this world that’s determined to take away everything important to him again and again and again, he wants to hold on to this one boy who that refuses to lie down and die no matter what life throws at him.

It’s selfish but Levi has never been a saint.

So they continue. Eren keeps his love to himself and Levi pretends to forget. They kiss and fuck and work and banter.

It’s not as it used to be. There’s still ease and comfort between them but at the same time, there is a rapidly building tension born of persistent memories and unsaid words. For all that he pretends, Levi finds it impossible to forget. In the mornings, he wakes to Eren’s face more often than not and remembers his breathless confession, the resigned acceptance in his eyes afterwards. He can’t imagine that it’s easy for Eren either. For all that he smiles and smiles and fucking _smiles_ , his eyes aren’t as bright anymore and while most of that may be owed to the consistent wretchedness of his life, Levi can’t help but feel that it’s partly his fault too.

He doesn’t feel guilty. He never asked Eren to love him, quite the opposite.

All the same, it disturbs him, the thought that Eren is suffering because of him, _for_ him.

But before he can do anything about it – not that he knows what to do, save for some half-baked idea of talking it out – Eren is once again taking the initiative. It’s as if he lives to shock the remaining life out of Levi.

It’s on a damp, miserable night spent huddled in Levi’s room with a stack of reports and thick silence that Eren finally breaks. He does so with little ceremony, dropping his pen with a conspicuous clatter and a sigh that seems to fill up the room.

“Hey, Captain.” He’s taken to calling Levi that more often since the Incident.

“Hm?”

“We gonna talk about the titan in the room or what?”

At that, Levi finally looks up, reluctantly meeting Eren’s gaze only to find it fixed on the ceiling. He’s sitting with his chair precariously tipped back, arms locked under his head. There’s a little twist to his mouth that is in no way happy.

“Didn’t know you were that in love with yourself.”

Eren gives up his dedicated study of the ceiling to give Levi an unimpressed look that screamed _I can’t believe you actually went there_. Wet behind the ears Cadet Jaeger would never have dared to look at Levi like that. But then, that boy hadn’t spent about a year sharing Levi’s bed.

“I thought you liked my humor, Eren. I’m hurt.”

This time, Eren actually rolls his eyes, hard enough that Levi’s own ache in sympathy.

“You should stick to shit jokes. They’re classier.”

Levi snorts at that, but the amusement dies a quick death when he considers the conversation that’s sure to follow. Eren looks as serious as a grave, though his eyes are impossibly soft like always as they regard Levi. He should be used to that by now but it still sends a pleasant jolt through him.

“Talk, then.”

Eren takes his time, staring at Levi but seeing nothing. The pause stretches on long enough that Levi has to clamp down on the urge to fidget or pace. Pacing sounds real good at the moment.  Being seated feels oddly confining.

He wants to tell Eren to get on with it but that seems unnecessarily cruel so he holds his tongue.

“You don’t,” Eren starts, brows furrowed and voice uncharacteristically uncertain, “actually believe me, do you?”

He never beats around the bush, this damn brat. For once in his life, Levi chooses his words carefully.

“I believe that you think you’re in love with me. But-” He holds up a palm to halt Eren’s automatic protest. “But you’re still young in some ways. I won’t insult you by saying you’re not mature enough to know what you want but wanting me and loving me are two different things. You’ve respected, even revered, me for a long time. For all that you seem to be past that shit, it’s hard for me to see your…romantic feelings as anything more than confused affection.”

To say Eren doesn’t look pleased would be an understatement.

“Confuse- fuck. So I’m old enough to fuck you but not enough to love you is what you’re saying?”

Levi doesn’t flinch away from the anger in his words but meets it dead on with cold certainty.

“Yeah, it is. Sex is easy, brat. It doesn’t complicate shit.”

Eren shoots him a look that’s somewhere between incredulity and irritation, throwing his hands up dramatically. And then he deflates almost physically as the outrage drains out of him. He’s become so much better at controlling his temper and Levi feels just a little proud.

“Never mind, we’ll never agree on this. It’s pointless to talk about it anyway.”

“Then why did you bring it up?”

“Because we still need to talk. I mean, yeah we’re not being totally weird but you can feel that things aren’t the same anymore, right?” He takes Levi’s faint nod as permission to continue. “Like, okay, yes, I love you whatever you may think. And I blurted it out though I didn’t mean to because I have shit for brains like you remind me so often. Can we just… move past that? It couldn’t be the first time a smitten soldier confessed to you, I mean, you’re Captain fucking Levi for Maria’s sake.”

Levi has to smile at that because Eren, flustered and frustrated, is a sight to see. Levi wants kiss him breathless for being so cute.

“I don’t know if you know this, but none of those smitten soldiers – and there haven’t been as many as you seem to think – were my friends who _slept with me_. You’re a special case.”

Eren considers that for all of one second before he shrugs, expression smoothing out into something more pleasant.

“Yeah, I’m a special snowflake, I get it. Still though, what the fuck does it matter? Let’s just go back to cursing out titans together and laughing at you shitty jokes and fucking each other’s brains out. I like doing that. Can we do that?”

Levi lets his head drop to the desk, shuddering with silent laughter.

“Holy shit, Eren,” he mumbles, voice distorted by his position, “I’ve been propositioned with more grace by street whores.”

Eren’s smiling when Levi straightens, looking absurdly pleased with himself. Probably because he made Levi laugh. He’s strange like that.

“All part of my charm. Seriously though, what do you mean there haven’t been many? You’re pretty much the most admired man in the Corps.”

“Huh?” The sudden shift in subject catches Levi off guard but he all too willingly accepts the change, glad for a safer topic. “Oh that. Not everyone as blind or fixated as a certain shitty brat I know. A renowned killer in a short, angry package of scowls and shit jokes isn’t everyone’s vision of an ideal partner. Even then, most of those whom were stupid enough to fawn after me weren’t suicidal enough to actually say it to my face. Or jump me, like you did.”

Again, Eren looks entirely too smug.

“Jean always did call me a suicidal bastard. Jumping you was one of the best decisions of my life.”

There’s not much Levi can say to that even if he could speak through the sudden pressure in his chest. It seems so easy for Eren to say crap like that, sudden and sincere without an ounce of shame. Honest and outspoken to a fault, and sometimes Levi doesn’t know what to do with him.

Fondness wells up in him, warm and bubbly and fearsome in how right it feels. He’s glad for this talk, even if leaves them exactly as they were before. It’s good to see that happy gleam back in Eren’s eyes.

He really is too taken with this boy, can’t even regret it. Maybe he can’t accept or even understand Eren’s feelings for him but Levi’s own, though different, are wholly, embarrassingly genuine. That’s enough, isn’t it?

Even if he can’t give Eren what the boy would never dare voice, Levi cares for him deeply. He loves their companionship, loves to see Eren’s smiles light up his face, loves to touch him and be touched in return, loves how Eren holds him tight at night, loves-

Loves how he can so easily imagine the rest of his life with Eren in it; sharing moments both quiet and loud, waking up to gentle caresses and bruising fingers, sweet words and reverent eyes. It’s terrifying how-

Oh.

_Oh._

That’s not-

That’s not friendship.

Shit. He’s an idiot. Shitshitshitshitshitshitsh-

His frantic thoughts are cut off by Eren’s lips crashing into his. Levi instinctively opens his mouth to the kiss and wraps his arms around the body settling into his lap. Eren pulls back after a brief but violent plundering that does _not_ help Levi gather his scattered thoughts, expression one of mock irritation.

“You were zoning out on me there, Levi. Am I that uninteresting all of a sudden?”

It’s a joke and Levi should just go back to kissing Eren, distract himself from the mess in his mind, but the word slips out before he can help.

“No.”

Is that really his voice, so weak and hoarse?

Eren doesn’t miss it either and he frowns, gently running a hand through Levi’s hair. “Are you alright? Should I stop? I just thought-”

“ _No_. Don’t stop. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

No, it’s not. Nothing is fine. This can’t be happening to Levi.

This time, it’s he who kisses Eren, as much to quiet his head as to stop the other from reading the turmoil inside Levi. He can’t hide from Eren as easily as he once could and he needs time to get his shit together after that recent revelation.

He should send Eren away but he can’t. He needs this too, Eren’s mouth warm on his, his hands roaming over Levi with harsh confidence. He needs Eren to make him stop thinking.

And Eren delivers, attacking Levi like a starved man, with too much teeth and broken noises. Levi’s lost in sensation, swallowed in the heat pooling in his belly and rushing through his veins. He makes noises of his own, little gasps and groans that Eren swallows up greedily. He settles more firmly into his lap, hands tugging at his cravat to get to his neck. Levi leans back his head to make it easy and then, Eren stops.

Stops and just looks at Levi, face flushed and uncertain.

“This is… this is alright, isn’t it? We’re good, right?”

Levi looks into his eyes, green and bright and deep enough to get lost in, and wonders how in hell he fooled himself for so long. Was it his mind’s half-assed attempt at protecting him from the unforgiving truth that Levi is already in love with this impossible boy who’s sure to leave him behind?

In the end, it doesn’t matter.

“Yes, Eren. We’re good.”

Eren can never know.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Presenting you a repressed captain who doesn’t know his own feelings. Do any of us?
> 
> If you’re confused about the difference between Eren’s behavior here and the confession Levi recalls in ch1, rest assured that it’ll be cleared up in the next chapter.


	4. trying to hold on but didn’t even know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanji takes matters into their own hands. The choice Levi regrets comes into play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have like 10 Ereri fic ideas and 3 WIPs and I still have no idea what I’m doing.

The date of the expedition draws closer and Levi gets progressively busier. Most of time is spent supervising the new recruits, a task that’s infinitely harder that it once was owing to the current popularity of the Corps. What used to be the most condemned branch of the military is now the most coveted, the world outside the walls an appealing prospect now that the titans are gone.

Sometimes, he wonders how Erwin would have reacted if he were to see their swollen numbers. Maybe he’d have smiled as he always did, pleasant and meaningless. It’s a pointless fantasy. Dead men can’t smile.

Levi himself is mostly apathetic to their dreamy eyes and loud speculations, more concerned with making sure that they won’t fall off their horse and die in the most idiotic way possible. Dreams and goals have never been his forte and that’s unlikely to ever change. He used to think that Eren dreamed enough for the both of them but these days, he has no right to share in that boy’s dreams.

Eren.

No matter how demanding life gets, Levi somehow finds the time to think about him. It’s not deliberate, he’s not a masochist, but neither his head nor his heart is under his control where Eren is concerned. They never were.

Levi still sees him around, usually from a distance. Eren never seems to see him, or if he does, he acts otherwise. Levi’s ashamed to admit that he’s taken to hanging around Hanji’s office and lab in his free time, hoping for a glimpse of Eren. He’s not stalking the brat. Nor is he obsessed (much). In fact, his rather pitiful loitering actually has little to do with their now non-existent relationship.

It’s just that he hasn’t been able to shake the feeling that something is wrong. With Eren, and Hanji. There’s no viable reason for his suspicions but Levi didn’t survive this long without listening to his instinct and these days, his instinct tells him that all is not as it seems. But it’s not as if he can ask Eren when he’s still so determined to stay out of Levi’s way, and his one attempt to question Hanji only resulted in uncharacteristically vague answers. That in itself is enough to cement his doubts.

He was hoping it was nothing but now, he’s not so sure.

And then, without warning, he gets a chance to allay his concerns. If he were the sort to believe in a higher power, he would say that life decided to take pity on his mounting frustration. But he’s not and besides, when Eren is frozen in front of him, looking at Levi with comically wide eyes, philosophical musings are the farthest things from his mind. Distantly, he notes that Eren looks different. Leaner, older. _Tired_.

“Eren.”

He doesn’t answer, just continues gaping at Levi, now with a twinge of panic on his face. That irritates Levi beyond words.

“Oi, is this going to be a problem?”

It’s not what he meant to ask but if the mere sight of Levi is doing this to Eren, it’s hard to imagine them working together as a team.

“I… what?”

“Have you lost whatever brain cells you had, shitty brat? I asked of this was going to be a problem. There’s an expedition fast approaching and you’re part of my squad. If you freeze up like a fucking virgin on their wedding night at the sight of me, we’re gonna have issues.”

“Le- Captain. I’m not- I don’t-” Eren shuts his mouth after that stuttering effort, looking away from Levi.

He’s never seen Eren like this, not even in the immediate days following the courtroom incident. It’s unsettling.

“Listen, Eren,” Levi tries, forcing himself to be a little softer than before. “I know this is odd and awkward but we’ve put aside worst for duty’s sake. Just tell me you can still do that.”

It’s physically painful to not reach out and stroke Eren’s face, to ease away the furrow of his brows.

Eren turns his head back to Levi, and as he watches, the tension and alarm drains away from his youthful but haggard face, leaving a carefully blank mask. Levi has to stifle the urge to flinch away from that expression, or lack thereof.

“That won’t be a problem, Captain.” Eren’s voice is hard and cold. He sounds like a stranger. “I will not be participating in the next expedition.”

Levi’s thoughts screech to a halt, sheer shock freezing him in place. Eren takes advantage of that and slips away, nearly running in his haste to get away from Levi who can’t find it in himself to react in any way except to stare at a rapidly retreating back.

Eren said he’s not going.

That’s not… that can’t be right.

_“Hey, Levi, think we’ll find the ocean this time around?”_

_“I’m so excited. The outside world never gets boring, does it?”_

_“You know, I had no idea the world could be so beautiful. It makes all those sacrifices seem almost worth it.”_

_“Next one’s in two months, right? Damn, I can’t wait.”_

What changed? In just a handful of days, what changed?

What’s happening?

Someone clears their throat from behind him and Levi whips around to see Hanji at the mouth of the corridor, staring at Levi with something akin to pity in their eyes.

It’s startling, how swiftly hopeless confusion turns into helpless fury.

He’s _tired_ of feeling so lost and worried, caught up in concerns that may or may not exist. He wants answers and by the Walls, he’ll get them even if he has to pry them out of Hanji by force.

He stalks a few steps towards them, only to pause when they raise their hands in a conciliatory gesture. They smile at him but it’s not half as genuine, nor as manic, as their usual expression.

“I know what you’re going to ask and I agree. We need to talk. Not here though. Come with me.”

They take Levi to their office, locking the door behind them. The growing melancholy on Hanji’s face doesn’t escape his notice and that’s the only reason why he waits until they’re both seated to demand that they start talking.

Hanji gives him another of those wane smiles, more disturbing than usual in the way it twists their face into unfamiliar lines.

“I wasn’t going to interfere,” they tell him, “I was going to respect Eren’s decision.” Levi’s not as surprised as he should be to hear that. Of course Eren’s told Hanji everything. “But now you’re both miserable and it’s helping no one.”

That piques his interest. It’s almost as if Hanji’s saying that ending everything was as painful to Eren as Levi but why would that be when it was Eren’s decision in the first place. Eren _said_ that he didn’t love Levi, that he was just confused. And he made it clear that he wanted some space. Why would he be miserable? Unless…

“Levi, there’s something you need to know.”

Unless Eren was lying.

“Eren’s dying.”

 

_Two Years Ago_

Levi is no stranger to death. He’s watched a great many die - friends, comrades, superiors, subordinates. He’s come close a few times himself, escaping by as much luck as skill from a titan’s reaching hands or snapping teeth.

So when the aftermath of one expedition finds him bedridden with broken ribs and a twinging ankle, he finds himself less concerned with how close he came to death than with the sheer stupidity of the manner in which it came about.

Levi’s fine with dying. For humanity, as titan fodder, as victim of his own choices; all of that is fine. But a shitstain of a rookie soldier, misfired grapples that Levi happened to be in the way of and the ensuing intimate encounter with a tree are emphatically not good reasons to die. In fact, it’s just fucking stupid and if not for the Corps’ numbers being so abysmally low after being nearly decimated, he would kill the newbie himself for sheer incompetence.

Pain’s always made him cranky and vaguely homicidal.

The only positive of the whole ordeal is that Levi gets a very diligent and very capable nurse in the form of a titan shifter who seems to have cast aside his righteous temper in favor of taking up the art of fussing. It’s simultaneously frustrating and endearing.

(It also does little to alleviate the problem of the heart that Levi has developed for the boy but he’s become an expert at ignoring that).

The strange thing is that Eren seems to instinctively know the perfect blend of firmness and lenience required to handle Levi without getting something thrown at him. He’s not scared of or in awe of Humanity’s Strongest like most of the Corps’ medically knowledgeable members nor is he bossy and inflexible like the remaining ones. He’s also certainly a welcome change from Hanji whose idea of treatment has always involved too much yelling and general pestering.

Eren is… kind and attentive and warm.

He’s also all too willing to tear into Levi when he’s being a ‘stubborn assbucket’ and physically manhandle his weakened body when warranted. Levi finds it oddly attractive but that’s something he’ll take to the grave. He’s in no state for sex in any case.

But in general, he’s almost enjoying his convalescence thanks to Eren. So naturally the universe tries to balance it out, also with Eren.

It starts with an innocuous, “Hey, Levi, can we talk?”

Levi, pleasantly drowsy from Eren’s earlier ministrations, hums out his agreement. He crack an eye open, finds Eren seated on the chair beside his bed with that look of mingled nervousness and determination on his face that spells trouble for Levi. He’s not that sleepy all of a sudden.

“You almost died,” Eren begins, only to cut off with a pained grimace. His gaze lingers on the bandages covering Levi’s chest.

Levi sighs in exasperation and reaches over to flick Eren’s forehead, pleased by the other’s answering yelp.

“Yeah, and trust me, I hate it as much as you do. But sometimes shit happens. All we can do is accept it and move on.”

Levi’s hope that his usual dose of callous pragmatism would be enough to snap Eren out of whatever funk he’s in is dashed as the boy only shakes his head, looking outright pained.

“That’s not it.” Eren’s voice is somber and quiet, which is never a good sign. “I know shit happens. I’ve lived that for years. But you – you almost – this is the first time I’ve seen you injured this badly. You’ve just always been kinda invincible, I guess. Then this happens and I’m reminded that you can die as easily as any of us.”

“Excuse me, brat, for shattering-” Levi’s scathing retort is cut off by the rough palm clamping over his mouth. He glares at Eren and finds him glaring right back.

“That’s not it either. Shut up and listen to me, will you? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. You’re human, I _know_ that. I’ve just never had to think of it before and now I can’t fucking stop and I keep coming back to the fact that if you die, or if I die, then there’ll be something I regret not telling you.”

Levi drops his glare, surprise overtaking indignation. He has a bad feeling about where this is going.

“Levi, I love you.”

Ah, shit.

Eren removes his hand, staring expectantly at Levi but looking as if it’s more for a tongue lashing than any words of acceptance or reciprocation. The brat knows him well. And even just a year ago, Levi would have reacted exactly like that.

But now… now all he can do is choke out a weak, “You already have told me that.” _And I’ve told you that I don’t believe you_.

“No, not really. That was a slip. You didn’t believe me anyway. And afterwards, we agreed to overlook it. But,” Eren stops, takes a deep shuddering breath to steady himself. His eyes never once leave Levi’s, trapping him in their passionate intensity. “I don’t want to do that anymore, to pretend that I don’t care as much as I do. You… you’re fucking amazing, Levi. Not just because you’re Humanity’s Strongest but because you’re _Levi_. You’re kind and sarcastic and attentive and rude and Walls, you can be such an asshole but you’re also really sweet. Sometimes I look at you and I can’t even breathe with how much I love you.”

Eren needs to shut up. Levi desperately needs him to shut the hell up but he can’t make his mouth move to say the words.

“And I don’t care if you never return my feelings or if you don’t want anything to do with me after you heal. I’m not going to hide anymore. I really do love you.”

Levi knows he’s trembling and Eren might think it’s from anger but the truth is that he’s overwhelmed, torn because he wants to reject the words but can’t help how desperately he wants them to be true. No one’s told him he’s loved before, not like this, so bluntly and fervently honest.

“Eren,” he tries, ruthlessly squashing the part of him that wants to pull the boy into is arms. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A chair clatters to the floor.

He’s seen Eren angry in the past, has witnessed countless the times the fury in him that seems to have a mind of its own. But it’s never before been directed at him. Now, though, with Eren looming over him, all clenched fists and short breaths and pulsing veins, Levi finds himself the subject of all that unbridled rage. He isn’t scared, knowing that Eren would never dare hurt him, but he still feels oddly vulnerable, trapped as he is in his damnable sickbed.

And as much as he hates to admit it, he knows it’s less because of Eren’s anger than the forthcoming words Levi can’t escape from.

Eren won’t rest until he’s convinced Levi.

Levi doesn’t want to be convinced.

“I’m not a kid anymore, I know what I feel. Dammit, Captain look at me!” Levi, who wasn’t even aware that he closed his eyes with the first word, opens them, unable to even summon any irritation for his presumptuous brat. Eren’e eyes are green pools of fire and Levi can’t look away. “D _o not_ tell me that I don’t know what I feel. You really think I’m that stupid?” No, never. It’s Levi who’s stupid. “I know I’m young, Levi, but that doesn’t automatically invalidate what I feel. You’re not my first love.”

_What._

That actually startles a sound out of Levi. He can only imagine the expression on his face but it must be enough to give Eren pause. His fiery eyes soften and with a weary sigh, he lowers himself down on the mattress beside Levi, being careful not to let their bodies touch. Levi tells himself that he is not itching to reach out and draw Eren to him.

_You’re not my first love._

But Eren is Levi’s first.

“Who was it?” Levi asks even though he’s not sure he wants to know. He’s not certain why; is it something as simple as not wanting to hear Eren talk about prior romantic endeavors or is he afraid that he will no longer have a convincing reason to reject Eren’s feelings?

Eren smiles then, or rather, his mouth twitches into a grim mockery of a smile, and Levi’s self-centered concerns vanish at the self-deprecation and pain painting that expression.

“The female titan. Annie Leonhart. It didn’t last long and no one knew – though I think Armin figured it out and Mikasa probably suspected something. She was something else. Annie, I mean. I don’t think it meant anything more than sex to her but I, well, I guess have a tendency to complicate things for myself.”

Levi listens without reacting, initial shock replaced by calculation as he recalls Eren’s past encounters with the female titan. His inability to take her down in the forest, his vehement refusal to believe the titan was Leonhart, the report that said how Eren had trouble shifting in Stohess, all of which Levi considered to be affection for a friend and comrade only to now be cast in a wholly different light.

“I seem to have a type too,” Eren continues, gruesome grin still in place. He doesn’t look at Levi. “Stonefaced angry midgets.”

“Fucking brat,” Levi growls without any heat and imagines that Eren’s smile becomes less harsh at that. A thought occurs to him. “You kissed me after Stohess.”

Eren grimaces.

“Yeah, I…wanted to be distracted. And I’ve always been attracted to you. I mean, I wasn’t in love with Annie at that point but it still…hurt.”

“And I was conveniently there.” Levi doesn’t sound bitter. Because he’s not bitter.

He’s _not_.

Eren, though, displays his inclination to be impeccably perceptive at the most irritating of times.

“It’s not what you’re thinking. You weren’t a replacement. I wouldn’t do that to you, Levi.”

This time, it’s Levi who averts his gaze. Eren sounds so unbearably earnest that Levi has no choice but to believe him.

“How would you know what I’m thinking?”

“I-” A hand wraps around Levi’s, lifting it. Lips brush against his fingertips. “I think I know you well enough to guess.”

“That so.” It pricks at his heart, the way Eren hums in affirmation and presses his forehead to Levi’s palm. He looks so tired.

“Don’t you get tired of loving someone who doesn’t love you back? Surely even a shitty mess like you has better options.”

Eren grins. Levi can feel it on his skin. “I don’t care. I’m fine with that. It doesn’t hurt me. Like I said, I don’t need you to return my feelings, only acknowledge them. Just…I just want you to know that you’re loved.”

Levi doesn’t cry. His tears have dried up years ago. But the burn in his eyes and the lump in his throat beg for release that he denies. He doesn’t confess either, biting back the words for reasons he no longer knows.

Maybe he’s just scared.

“And how long can you keep it up, Eren, before it breaks you?”

This time, Eren laughs, lifting his face to gaze down fondly at Levi.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll never break. As long as you’re here and well, that’s enough for me.”

Stupid boy. Stupid fucking _brat_.

Levi opens his mouth but nothing comes out. What he should say, what he wants to say and what Eren needs to hear are all unclear.

“So what’s it gonna be, Levi? You going to send me away or can I stay?”

_I love you too_ , Levi thinks but can’t say out loud for the life of him.

“Stay. Eren, stay.” _Always. Please_.

Eren smiles, and stays.

And Levi doesn’t say what he should have.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, answers. Cliché as fuck, I know. Sorry.


	5. the clock ticks life away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the truth is worse than the lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Major mood dissonance between the two parts.

_“Eren’s dying.”_

Levi spends the rest of the day in a daze.

He listens to Hanji in mute shock and returns to his room afterwards, not asking questions, not demanding answers, not doing anything except turn the gruesome truths he just learned over and over in his mind, trying in vain to understand, hoping that Hanji will burst through the doors and cry that everything they said was just a morbid joke.

_“His body’s breaking down.”_

And then Levi will kick them and they’ll scream out a laugh and all will be well. Eren still won’t talk to him, won’t have anything to do with him but that’s fine. That’s fine because Levi’s not important here, Eren is and the point is that Eren deserves a long, happy life, deserves to be loved and held and fucking worshipped. Deserves more than Levi so even if Eren won’t talk to him or look at him or fight with him, it’s _fine_.

_“All that shifting was too much after all.”_

But it’s not. It’s not fine, nothing’s fine.

_“He has only a few months left. Six at best.”_

Eren isn’t fine. He’s dying.

Levi has always been a realist, accustomed to accepting the truth no matter how harsh. But for once, he desperately wants the truth to be a lie, a fever dream, _something_. Anything as long as it doesn’t involve the end of Eren Jaeger.

Life’s never given Levi what he wants and this is no different.

_“I’m sorry, Levi.”_

He still doesn’t know why Eren left him. Hanji refused to say, insisting instead that Levi go talk to the boy. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to, his first impulse was to hunt down Eren, but Levi knows himself well enough to realize that it’s better if he takes his time to process the shit he’s just found out before rushing off to confront Eren. He may not know why Eren decided that he was better off without Levi or why he’s so miserable about his own decision, but no longer does he care. Levi’s not going to stay away knowing that Eren is… that Eren needs… Eren…

He’s not going to let the man he loves die alone.

Even if Eren pushes him away, no matter how many times, Levi is going to stay by his side. Eren’s not the only one who can be stubborn.

But despite his convictions, it’s late at night before Levi can bring himself to even leave his room, let alone seek out Eren. In some ways, nothing feels real. He certainly wishes so.

One advantage of the late hour is that Eren is almost certainly in his room and it’s there that Levi’s feet guides him, unusually hesitant despite the itch under his skin screaming at him to hurry.

The door is unlocked. Levi doesn’t knock and walks in on Eren in the middle of changing. One look at the body he’s learned so well is enough for Levi to know that it was neither a dream nor a joke. Hanji was telling nothing but the truth.

Because Eren looks like a wasted shadow of himself; ribs visible on is torso, arms skinnier than they should be, veins bulging unnaturally around his neck… the only part of him that retains any vitality is his face that is currently set in an expression of panic as he stares at Levi.

The stare morphs into a glare and Levi almost collapses from sheer relief at the familiarity of it.

“Why are you here?” Eren sounds as harsh as he did when they last spoke. Levi doesn’t care.

“I talked to Hanji.” It’s remarkable, how drastically a few words can affect someone. Levi watches, helpless and uncertain, as Eren’s eyes widen in understanding and his whole face crumples with a despair that defies words. It’s not dissimilar to the expression he wore when he lost his closest friends.

“They… they shouldn’t have done that. I told them not do that.”

Levi shrugs, affecting a nonchalance he doesn’t feel.

“I didn’t give them much of a choice.”

Eren throws him a look that’s loaded with skepticism as if he doubts that Levi would go too far in pressuring his friends. Ironic that while he did not have to press Hanji, at the time he was perfectly willing to hold a blade to their throat if it meant knowing what was going on with Eren. He doesn’t think Eren knows what Levi is willing to do for him.

Maybe that’s why he left.

Levi steps fully inside, gently closing the door behind him and locking it.

“So you know. Still doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

That _hurts_.

“Doesn’t it?” Levi asks quietly. “I have never said that I don’t care about you. Do you really think I’d sit back and let you-” _Die_.

He still can’t say what he needs to. When did he become such a coward?

Eren barks out a hollow laugh, the dim light and its shadows twisting his face into gruesome lines. He unceremoniously drops to the bed, half-sitting, half-sprawling on it with his head raised to the ceiling.

“There’s not _letting_ involved, Captain. You can’t do shit about it. No one can.”

The resignation in his voice startles Levi. Eren, the boy who never gives up, who always got back up, sounds utterly and completely exhausted. It’s fundamentally wrong.

“I love you.”

It takes Eren whipping his head around to gape at Levi for him to understand that it was he who said the words, out loud no less.

There’s a long beat of silence. And then-

“I know.”

It’s Levi’s turn to stare in disbelief. Eren meets it calmly, except for the clench of his hands in the bed sheets.

“I never thought you’d say it again though.”

“…how?”

“I heard you that night.”

Levi doesn’t need further clarification. He knows precisely which night Eren is referring to - the eve of Eren’s final trial, the one that decided whether or not the last titan shifter would be allowed to live. Levi let his walls down that night, confessing to what he thought to be Eren’s sleeping form while pleading for him to live because Levi couldn’t stand to have him die. Eren was allowed to live and he never gave any indication of having heard Levi. And Levi once again retreated to the safety of silence, keeping his feelings to himself even as he basked in Eren’s love.

That was selfish of him, wasn’t it?

He doesn’t realize that he’s been moving until he’s kneeling by the floor by Eren’s feet, forehead pressed to the boy’s knee. In comfort or apology, he doesn’t know, but the warmth that reaches his skin even through Eren’s clothes draws a sigh out of him.

“I’m sorry, Eren.”

And Eren _laughs_. For once, it’s not a pleasant sound but hard and broken, the edges of it digging into Levi, leaving bloody gashes in their wake.

“Are you now. Is it because I’m dying?” Levi flinches at the word. He keeps his face hidden in Eren’s leg, not having the strength to face him now. “Do you pity me, Levi? That why you’re here? Poor little titan brat, finally paying the price for being a monster.”

For the briefest of instants, Levi can do nothing but kneel there in horror, numbly listening to the words being thrown at him like poisoned arrows. Then he’s moving, rising up from his crouch and practically collapsing on Eren in his haste to take the boy in his arms.

He’s not angry, hurt and shocked, but not angry. Eren could beat the shit out of him now and Levi would happily let him.

How had he not known? How had he not seen? How could he have let Eren suffer _alone_?

“You’re not a monster, you were never a monster,” Levi breathes into Eren’s ear, hands tight around the body that remains stiff in his embrace. “And you don’t- you’re the last person who – this shouldn’t be happening to you, Eren. You’re supposed to _live_.”

His breath hitches at the end and he’s horrified to feel a telltale burn in his eyes but all that is driven from his mind when Eren’s arms close around him, strong despite their diminished state. Fingers sink into Levi’s hair, tugging his head back so that Eren can look at him. Gone is the near stranger who glared at Levi with cold contempt and in his place is the Eren he knows, warm eyes gazing at Levi with that old fondness.

“It’s happening anyway, Levi.”

He knows he’s not imagining the sadness in Eren’s voice. Levi presses closer to him.

Neither of them speaks for a long while, content to just stay like that, bodies close and breaths in sync.

Later, there will be questions and explanations, tears and smiles, plan and regrets. But for now, they’re together and that is enough.

 

_One Year and Four Months Ago_

 

Apprehension flits through Levi as Eren stirs on the bed, lashes fluttering as a telltale groan escapes his mouth. He’s about to wake.

That itself is nothing new. Eren has woken at least a dozen times, though never for too long, in the last five days, green eyes dull but seemingly lucid right until the point he starts talking to people who aren’t there, people who aren’t even _alive_ , a number that has gone up dramatically since the final battle against the beast titan.

The war is over and the Corps is now a skeleton crew, their lives the price paid for freedom.

Last time he woke, Eren was a little better. At least he saw _Levi_ , rather than his dead mother or equally dead friends. But then he asked after Mikasa and Armin, both of whom had fallen to the beast right before Eren’s eyes, and Levi had to swallow the lump in his throat as he assured Eren that they were just resting and would be back in the morning. Eren accepted it with a smile, raised his one whole hand to touch Levi’s cheek and slipped right back into sleep.

It’s morning now, Eren’s waking again and Levi can only hope that he will be himself this time or at least not ask for those Levi can’t give to him.

“Captain…” Levi tenses at the title. Eren rarely calls him that these days. Does this mean Eren’s stuck in the past again? But he allays that particular concern with his next words. “Levi… I’m not feeling so well.”

Being almost torn half _and_ overexerting to the point of fusing with his titan can do that to person. But Levi wisely keeps the words to himself, less because of some newfound tact than uncertainty about the state of Eren’s memories.

“You took a lot of damage,” he says instead but Eren only shrugs, apparently unconcerned with the state of his still healing body. He seems more interested in staring at Levi with a frown that morphs into a dopey smile as the silence stretches on.

“You’re so pretty.”

Levi blushes so violently that his face feels like it’s on fire.

It’s not that he’s unused to Eren saying shit like that. The idiot has always been incorrigible about that no matter how many times Levi threatened to rip out his balls and feed them to him. But to hear it like this out of the blue after days of tension and grief and incessant worrying is startling, to say the least, and… fuck he’s still blushing.

Eren continues to beam at him, the expression almost hiding how haggard his face is. Levi can’t help the warmth that blooms in him at the sight, however ephemeral it may be. It’s been too long since Eren smiled like this, bright and carefree.

“Levi?” Eren murmurs, quieter than before but just as joyful.

“Yeah?”

“I want to marry you.”

Levi slaps a hand over his face, a mortified whimper slipping out. He is absolutely not hiding. He just needs to calm down and breathe and that’s always best attained from behind a palm.

This kid’s going to be the death of him.

“What the actual hell, Eren?”

He drops his hand and finds Eren looking at him curiously, a confused tint to his smile.

“I want to marry you,” Eren repeats, more slowly this time as if Levi had trouble hearing the first time. “I don’t think you’ll let me though.”

There’s nothing he can say to that, except a resounding _Yes, I will_ that Levi can’t force past his lips for reasons both wise and foolish. Eren doesn’t seem bothered by it though. If anything, he smiles even wider.

“You’ll come with me to the ocean though, right?”

Levi’s only heard of this ‘ocean’ through Eren who heard it from Armin who purportedly read it in a book that should not have existed, not that Levi gives half a shit about that. It sounds ridiculous to him, an endless expanse of saltwater that meets the sky, but Eren’s belief in it has always been so firm and tangible that not even Levi’s acerbic remarks could put a dent in it. Not that he makes any such remarks now, is in fact unable to do anything but nod, reaching over to rest a hand on Eren’s forehead. It’s still too hot.

“I want to see it with you, Levi,” Eren says, soft and happy, as if he’s seeing a future that is sure to come. “With Armin and Mikasa too.” Levi goes cold at that, chest clenching painfully. “But especially you.”

“That’s alright, Eren.” He’s proud his voice is steady. “We’ll go see your ocean together.”

“Mm okay.”

Eren’s about to pass out again, Levi can see the familiar signs in his glazed eyes and slurred voice.

“I love you.”

There it is again, that pesky lump in his throat.

Levi sounds hoarse when he says, “I know. Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake.”

Eren presses a whisper soft kiss to Levi’s wrist and does as ordered, going back under with a faint sigh. Levi strokes his hair, the strands grimy under his fingers, and tries hard not to think of the last few minutes. He fails spectacularly.

But that’s fine.

 

When Eren wakes up again, whole and healed, he will remember nothing of that conversation.

And Levi will never forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This past segment was my favorite.
> 
> Just one more chapter and the epilogue left.


	6. it doesn’t even matter how hard you try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discussions are had and decisions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking hate writing dialogue heavy scenes but here I am, writing ‘em. 
> 
> There’s only one chapter left, an epilogue of sorts.

Eventually, the peace of being together again is overwhelmed by the questions and doubts hanging between them. Levi feels as if it’s physically painful to remain silent anymore and from the way Eren gets progressively tenser in his arms, the sentiment is mutual.

“Why-” Levi’s voice comes out as a guttural whisper and he clears his throat before he continues. “Why did you leave? If you knew I… is it because I never said anything?”

Eren sighs, an old and heavy sound, drawing away from Levi to sit up. He shifts around on the bed until he’s leaning his back on the wall. Levi follows suit, sitting cross-legged, facing Eren and carefully not touching him.

“That’s not it. Not entirely. I won’t lie, I kept waiting for you to say it out loud after I was pardoned. When you didn’t, I told myself that it didn’t matter because your actions were loving enough. But I kept worrying over it. I mean, it just could have been you panicking over my execution, right?”

Levi opens his mouth to protest but Eren shakes his head.

“I know, you’re not the type to say shit like that out of panic but I was… insecure. I was fine with loving you even though it was unreciprocated but after hearing your confession that I was clearly not meant to hear, I became so confused.” Eren pauses, takes an unsteady breath. “No matter how much I tried to learn you, you always found ways to stump me.”

“It’s not in your nature to be hindered by something as paltry as obstacles,” Levi says, the sarcasm buried under fondness. His heart hurts but it makes Eren smile, and that’s worth it.

“Damn right. I wouldn’t have let it go on, honestly. I was dead set on confronting you after that last expedition. Had a whole speech prepared, and it may have contained a few insults you’d be proud of. But then, uh, I started feeling funny. Dizziness, fatigue, nosebleeds, wounds taking too long to heal… Hanji put things together. They told me soon after we got here.”

Levi remembers that Eren acted oddly during the expedition, disappearing at random times, tiring too easily, holding hushed conversation with Hanji. He was confused but Eren evaded his questions every time he tried to ask and after Eren broke it off with him, Levi had other worries on his mind.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Eren grimaces, ducking his head to avoid looking at Levi.

“It’s complicated.”

“Tell me anyway. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”

Eren flinches at that, even the faux cheer from before vanishing. Something cold settles in Levi’s gut.

“Eren? Is that what you’re worried about? That I’ll abandon you?”

“I… at first, I didn’t say anything because I was adjusting to it myself. I was a bit of a mess but Hanji helped.” Levi tries very hard not to feel jealous of Hanji, and fails. Epically. “After I came to terms with it, I told myself that it was best not to tell you, that I didn’t want to see the same fear and pity in your eyes as in Hanji’s. I thought that if I left you, you would get over it – or maybe even hate me – so that by the time I died, you wouldn’t be too affected.”

For a long moment, Levi can’t speak, his mind numb from the _bullshit_ he’s just heard. Then he breaks.

“You _fucking_ -”

“But that was all a lie.”

Eren interrupts him, rudely, but the sudden, vicious fury in his words spares him from the tongue-lasing Levi was working up to.

“I tried to make myself believe I was just sparing you but that was a damned lie, Levi. I was scared. Still am. I knew what was happening to me and that it would only get worse. I’m not just dying, I’m fucking _wasting_. I was so terrified that you’d turn away in disgust, or worse, pity me. I wasn’t going to stick around to see that happen. I knew I wouldn’t last until you returned from this expedition so I only had to pretend to be fine till you left and even then, I avoided you as much as I could.”

Eren is panting by the time he finishes, harsh breathing filling the room. His eyes are wet.

“You always had too keen an eye.” He’s smiling at Levi now and it hurts to see.

“Eren,” Levi gasps, clenching his hands to stop himself from reaching out. He can’t _think_. “Eren.”

“Are you angry that I think so little of you?”

Is he angry? No. It’s hard to feel anger when Levi can barely breathe through the sheer guilt suffocating him. If Eren didn’t trust him enough to tell him he was dying, wasn’t that Levi’s own fault? If he was honest with Eren, if he told him how he felt, wouldn’t Eren have stayed?

“I’m not. It’s my fault that you felt that way.” The words taste bitter on his tongue, like regret and self-loathing.

“Hey no, no. Come on, Levi, look at me.”

He can’t.

A rough hand grasps his chin and lifts his face. Levi allows the motion. Eren’s smiling again, almost genuine.

“You know it’s not all on you. I could have talked to you. It was my own fear, Levi.”

“I caused that fear.”

Eren sighs, shaking his head in exasperation.

“Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. All I want to know it… what are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m still dying and it ain’t pretty. I won’t blame you if you-mph”

“I would hit you,” Levi tells him, one hand slapped over Eren’s mouth, “But I can’t bring myself to. Eren? _Never_ _again_ imply that I’d do that to you. Even if you weren’t my… even if we weren’t lovers, I’d still stay by you.”

Eren blinks at him, stunned. Levi takes his hand away but it’s immediately caught and held tight in Eren’s own.

“A moment ago, you were dejected, on the verge of tears, and now you’re yelling at me. Are you pregnant, Levi?”

“Fuck you. And I was not on the verge of anything.”

“Whatever you say, cap’n.” Eren reaches out to thumb at the corner of Levi’s eyes, smearing the wetness there. He grins, bright and wide and joyous. Levi can spend the rest of his life just staring at him. He wishes he could.

“I’m sorry.”

His quiet apology is answered with a kiss, sweet and chaste. Levi shudders at the dearly missed sensation and wraps his arms around Eren, pressing their bodies close together despite the awkward position. Eren buries his face in Levi’s neck, breathing deep.

“I’m sorry too. But it’s fine, really. I did my part. Humanity is free now and that’s all I ever wanted. I’m… sure they are, that Mikasa and Armin are…waiting. I-” The string of platitudes cut off as a violent shudder rips through Eren’s body, his hands spasming where they’re clutching Levi. He’s about to pull back and ask what’s wrong when sobbing begins. Warm wetness soaks the skin of his throat as he cradles Eren’s body, stunned into inactivity by the sudden outburst. Eren’s keening cries are loud and wracked with pain, each one tearing Levi open.

He holds Eren tight, mumbling soothing noises and nonsense words that fall on deaf ears. He can feel tears trail down his own face, dripping soundlessly into Eren’s hair.

It’s a long time before Eren quiets down and Levi holds him through it, helpless and hating it. Eventually, the sobs turn into hiccups and then even that stops. But Eren doesn’t pull away, so Levi clutches him tighter. He never wants to let go.

“I never had a dream,” Eren tells him, his voice wrecked and heavy with tears, “There were goals. Kill the titans. Seal Wall Maria. Find the basement. Save humanity. Goals I was – still am – happy I reached. I never had something pleasant to hold on to, no peaceful future to dream of. It was dangerous and futile, thoughts like that. Even the ocean was actually Armin’s desire, one I just borrowed. But then I met you and I… After I was pardoned, I let myself dream. Of bringing you out of that stupid denial, of seeing the ocean – the _world_ – with you. These days of freedom, I wanted to spend them by your side. Build a quiet life, no more death or violence. I…I really wanted that, Levi.”

Eren’s voice cracks and breaks throughout the speech. By the end. Levi can’t breathe.

“I was so stupid.”

“No,” Levi denies immediately, pushing through the thickness in his throat. He doesn’t sound any better than Eren. “You weren’t. It was a good dream. And I…I would have loved to share it with you. I’ve always relied on you to dream for me, Eren.”

Eren finally raises his face, the weary planes of it red and blotched as he stares up at Levi who bends to press their lips together, a cold comfort. Eren sighs against his lips, nuzzling lightly into Levi before pulling away with a poorly suppressed yawn.

“I’m tired. I get tired easily these days.” He sounds bitterly resigned about it.

“It’s fine. It’s late anyway.” Levi hesitates, looking down from a sudden wave of nerves. “Do you mind if I stay?”

Thankfully, Eren laughs, reaching out to gently caress Levi’s cheek. “I’d be sad if you didn’t.”

They settle down promptly, an awkward tangle of limbs that arrange and rearrange themselves in search of that old comfort. Levi doesn’t care that there are elbows or knees digging into his flesh. Eren’s arms feel like home.

Eren drifts off almost instantly, falling into a restless sleep punctuated by constant shifting and incoherent mumblings. Levi stays awake, unable to sleep but more than content to hold Eren like this again. Unfortunately, that satisfaction does not extend to the chaotic thoughts swirling in his brain.

“Levi…”

He starts, glancing at Eren to find him still asleep. There’s a deep furrow between his brows.

“I don’t…want to die… Levi…stay with you…”

Fuck.

_Fuck._

Why is this happening? Why is Eren suffering? What is the fucking point of their hard-won peace if this is what it brings?

But Levi knows the answer already.

It’s as Mikasa was fond of saying. The world is cruel. Blindly, needlessly cruel. She also thought that it had beauty to balance out the bad, and for a while, Levi believed it too, but now he’s certain of what he has always known. There’s no balance, no fairness, no justice. Only pain and the lessons you can learn from it.

Levi has learned his lesson, finally.

He curls around Eren as best as he can, closing his eyes and just enjoying the warmth and scent of his lover.

Later, when Eren wakes, Levi will tell him that they’re going to the ocean. The two of them together.

Eren will protest, say that it’s impossible but eventually, he’ll cave.

They have to find that ocean before Eren has to leave the world he gave everything to save. No matter what. Levi will make sure of that if it’s the last thing he does.

To treasure the people he loves and the time they have together - that’s Levi’s lesson. He won’t forget again.

Eren may die but he will die _happy_.

 

_Eight Months Ago_

 

“Le-Levi, wait a min- _mmph_!”

He swallows Eren’s protests with a kiss, clumsy and frenzied, born more of desperation than passion. Levi presses closer to Eren, feeling a sharp pang at the way their bodies mold to each other, familiarity and experience making them a perfect fix.

The thought that this may be the last time…

“Levi!” Eren pants, tearing his mouth free but not letting go of Levi, only holding him impossibly closer. “Shouldn’t we talk about it first?”

Levi pulls back and unceremoniously drags Eren over to the bed, pushing him down on it and straddling his lap.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he growls, lips close to Eren’s, fingers clutching rich brown hair. “You’ll go to that trial. Those fat pigs will show that they have a modicum of sense and honor you as the _hero you are_ , and then you’ll get the fuck back here.”

He has never in his life coddled someone. Platitudes and optimism are pointless. Their world is a bleak place that would take such empty reassurances and rip it apart while you watched helplessly. Levi knows this exceptionally well and yet here he is, spewing sparkly shit out of his mouth for the sake of a boy who probably knows as well as Levi how unfair, how merciless life is.

Then again, is it really for Eren’s sake? Or is Levi just trying to convince himself?

Either way, it doesn’t matter. Eren’s answering smile is amused but his eyes are grave with acceptance. And Levi will need to be born thrice over to be naïve enough to believe his own foolish words.

“Okay.” The simple admission reeks of a lie and they both know it. But tonight, they need it.

“Okay,” Levi echoes, and closes the space between their mouths. This kiss is sweet and gentle for one precious moment before passion takes over, twisting it into a clash of nipping teeth and twining tongues. Eren’s tastes faintly of dinner, the flavors of the bland soup and brick bread more pleasing in his mouth than the actual food itself.

They separate soon enough to strip off their clothes, Levi forgoing his usual meticulous folding in favor of dropping them all in a heap on the floor. Eren is visibly surprised for a moment before his expression darkens in understanding. He sheds his own uniform and climbs into the bed, looming over Levi’s prone form. He skims his hands over Eren’s sides, his shoulder, his arms, over unmarred skin that is a testament of the very ability that’s saved them all countless times and now threatens to condemn Eren to a fate he does not deserve.

Possessive fury sears through him, his fingers digging into Eren’s flesh, nails leaving behind red trails that will be gone come morning. Just like all the horror Eren has endured has left no brands on his skin, Levi’s love is incapable of marking him.

That’s unbearable all of a sudden.

“Eren, fuck me. Now.”

Above him, Eren releases a shaky breath, eyes glazing over at the command.

“Anything you want.”

Levi retrieves a half-used bottle of oil from the nightstand and passes it to Eren who leans back to situate himself between Levi’s spread legs. He fumbles with the cap for a moment, clumsy as always in his eagerness. Levi can’t help his fond smile.

“No fingers,” he says just as Eren is about to coat his fingers in oil. “I want it to burn. I want… to feel you.” _For days. In case you never come back to me. I want to carry you in my flesh._

Levi’s love in incapable of marking Eren but Levi’s body is painfully human in its vulnerabilities. He can be marked, and he will be.

The unsaid words are not lost on Eren, whose face crumples for a moment before he gathers himself. There’s an odd mix of pain and desire on his face. He’s as beautiful as ever and it _hurts_.

“It will hurt.”

“Good. Don’t give me that look, brat. I’m not going to break.”

It’s always amazed Levi, the way Eren sometimes seems to read his mind. Not always, not even often, but when it’s truly needed, this boy has proven that he _gets_ Levi in a way no one ever has, not even Farlan or Erwin.

And he proves that again now, recapping the bottle and tossing it on the mattress before crawling back on top of Levi. Their bare bodies touch, faint and teasing, sending jolts of heat through Levi. His cock, half-hard between his legs, throbs with each, feather-light brush of Eren’s skin. A chaste kiss is placed on his lips before Eren turns his attention to Levi’s neck, pretty little kisses followed by harsh, wet suction at all the right places that has Levi squirming and panting within moments. Eren plays his body like a well-tuned instrument, kissing and biting his way down Levi’s neck, his chest, his stomach, bypassing his cock altogether to lap at the sensitive skin of his inner thighs.

Levi watches him through half-closed eyes, lazily running a finger along the path traced by Eren’s mouth. There will be bruises tomorrow, numerous ones in shades of red and purple.

_Good._ He wants them.

Eren abruptly abandons Levi’s thigh to suck a kiss on the head of his cock, the sudden sensation drawing a sharp gasp out of Levi. The same loving attention is paid to the rest of his length, slow, lazy licks of Eren’s tongue winding Levi up until he’s writhing, hands clutching the sheets and wordlessly demanding more with breathy moans. Eren obliges, pulling away with a smile and one last wet kiss. He picks up the discarded bottle.

Levi throws an arm over his eyes and raises his hips, a silent invitation. The head of Eren’s cock, slick with oil, nudges his unprepared hole and Levi pushes back against it. That’s all the permission Eren needs.

It does hurt somewhat, a steady, stinging burn that intensifies as Eren slowly works his way inside Levi. The pain is nothing compared to the bliss of being so completely filled, of feeling Eren’s fingers dig into his hips, of being so deeply connected with the only person that’s worth the ache of loving.

Eren stills once he’s all the way in, their hips flush together.

“You…alright? Levi?”

Levi doesn’t realize that he’s been biting his lips hard enough to break skin until he hears the concern in Eren’s voice. He peeks out from under his arm and smiles, reaching out with the other to touch Eren’s cheek.

“I’m fine, brat. Now move and don’t hold back. I don’t want to be able to walk tomorrow.”

Levi is not a masochist. For as long as he can remember, his attitude to pain has been indifference. But just this once, he’ll savor the pain.

Eren understands. Brilliant, beautiful boy.

The next thrust shakes Levi to the core with its force, pushing his body up the mattress. He’s not even given the time to catch his breath before Eren is _moving_ , fucking into Levi with long, fast strokes that sends spikes of mingled pain and pleasure racing through him. Eren pauses to maneuver Levi’s legs over his shoulder, keeping him in place with a bruising grip, and drives right back in with a low growl.

Levi hears a low, constant keening and realizes through the haze of pleasure that it’s coming from him, ripped from his throat with each piercing roll of Eren’s hips. He digs his fingers into Eren’s shoulder, holding on for dear life as he’s almost bent in half and taken, the new angle of Eren’s cock nudging his prostate with each thrust. Levi screws his eyes shut, biting his lips to stifle the shout that threatens to burst out of him. He can hear Eren’s own grunts and moans above him, interspersed with broken endearments and iterations of Levi’s name. The pain fades away, leaving only pleasure and the overwhelming sensation of being filled to the brim over and over and over-

The hard cock driving into his ass, the hands painting bruises on his skin and the voice murmuring sweet nonsense undoes Levi all too soon, and he comes with a choked groan, head thrown back and eyes rolled back. Eren fucks him through it, shouting as Levi’s insides clench around him, and spills into him with Levi’s name on his lips, desperate but adoring.

A mouth presses against his neck, his chin, his cheek, dropping faint little kisses that coax Levi into opening his eyes. Eren’s pretty green eyes are all that he sees, peering down at him with concern and love.

Always _love_.

“Was that enough? Too much?”

Levi smiles and blinks away the wetness clinging to his lashes.

“It was perfect. Eren, I-”

_Love you_. But he can’t say it. The words refuse to form. And is it fair anyway to tell Eren now, when he’s staring his possible death in the face? Wouldn’t it just be cruel to dangle that in front of him when he might not live long enough to enjoy it?

And maybe Levi is still scared.

“I want you to come back,” Levi says instead, quiet and on the edge of pleading. It’s a far cry from his earlier assertions.

Eren nods, utterly serious.

“I know.”

He doesn’t make a promise that he may not be able to keep. Levi appreciates that, even though a part of him wants to hear those hollow words, wants Eren to say that he’ll come back to Levi.

Eren pulls out gingerly and proceeds to clean them both up with practiced care. He looks exhausted and on the verge of sleep when he crawls back to bed, snuggling up to Levi a drowsy smile. It must have been a taxing day for him, emotionally and mentally. Levi presses a kiss to his forehead, wrapping his arms around Eren who happily buries his face in the crook of Levi’s neck.

“Good night, Eren.”

A faint hum is all the answer he receives and soon enough, Eren’s breathing smoothens into the characteristic rhythm of sleep.

Levi remains awake. Tonight, not even the comfort of Eren’s arms can make him relax. Not when this might be their last.

That thought refuses to go away in spite of Levi’s outward bravado. Ever since they heard the news this morning, unexpected and all the more shocking for it, Levi has looked at Eren and thought:

_This is the last time he’ll smile._

_This is the last time he’ll cry._

_This is the last time I’ll hold him._

_This is the last time we’ll kiss._

_This is the last time we’ll make love._

_This is the last night he has._

He can’t stop such thoughts from haunting him even though he can’t quite believe them. The idea that Eren will be condemned at tomorrow’s trial seems so ludicrous. He’s a hero. No one can dispute that. And yet the very concept of a trial implies that there are indeed people who remain doubtful of Eren’s loyalty, his humanity.

Foolish pigs. This boy has more humanity in him than is healthy.

It’s in that confused, conflicted state that Levi spends the night, his mind running in pointless circles. It’s unlike him to be so lost but he’s never been in love before. He’s never had to wait for someone to die either. Deaths in the battlefield were swift and merciless, not unexpected but also not actively anticipated. It’s also likely that the trial tomorrow is just a formality and Eren will be just fine. But not even Hanji could find out more details after the abrupt summons and one day was not enough time to formulate much of a plan with so little information. The best they can do is wait for the verdict, hope there will be a lag before the execution if that is the ruling, and act accordingly.

That doesn’t sit right with Levi. None of this does.

Maybe it’s just that he’s so used to losing the people he cares for, a fate Eren has miraculously avoided until now.

He’s nervous and terrified.

Eren stirs against him, his breath warming the skin of Levi’s neck. Eren’s been so strong through this, putting up a brave front at the news and never wavering even in the face of Connie’s tears or Sasha’s panic. It’s only Levi who was given the privilege of seeing that mask drop and doubt take its place, and his response was to throw false reassurance at the boy and then fuck him.

Some lover he is. What the hell does Eren see in him?

That doesn’t matter though. As long as Eren sticks around, Levi will indulge himself. And if Eren decides that he wants to leave… Levi just wants the boy to live long enough to come to that decision, if that’s the case.

He runs a hand through Eren’s hair, looking down at where he’s peacefully sleeping, half on Levi.

“Hey, Eren. You…think I’m this big hero. But really, I’m just a coward. I can’t even tell you that I- that I. _Fuck_. I love you, kid. Okay? I really fucking love you. I pretend otherwise, I know, but I just don’t have the balls to say it. Even though it’s you, I… It’s true though and maybe it’s pathetic but I can’t imagine life without you any more. Congratulations, you’ve turned me into a helpless sap. Things is, I can’t even complain. I’m _happy_ these days, or as happy as a grouchy old man like me can be. That’s not because that titans are gone or humans are free. It’s all you, Eren. You make me so happy. So, please, don’t- don’t die, alright? You can’t just…leave. You said once that you wanted to marry me. I don’t think you remember, you were pretty out of it. I do, though, and I’m... I want it too. A life with you. So you have to come back. No matter what, brat. You’re not allowed to die.”

There’s no response from Eren’s slumbering form, not that Levi expects any. He wouldn’t have said all that if he did. All the same, it feels strangely liberating to let it out.

He holds the boy a little tighter, buries his face in that messy mop of hair and tries his best to chase after the elusive realm of dreams.

 

In the morning, he’ll kiss Eren awake, tell him not to die and send him away before he can see the fear on Levi’s face.

In the evening, Eren will return to him, surprised and shaken but alive.

And all will be well.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, honey, all won’t be well.
> 
> This was never intended to have explicit scenes but that part wrote itself. It’s been a while since I wrote sex and I think I find it easier to write in past tense. Here’s hoping it was okay.


	7. what it meant to me will eventually be a memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An end and a beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have chosen ‘In The End’ lyrics just to name this chapter.

_I’ll take you to it, the ocean that you wanted to see._

There are, unsurprisingly, only a few people to send them off. Hanji, Jean, Connie and Sasha, the only ones who know of Eren’s condition. The latter four were informed after the departure date was finalized, Eren realizing that they wouldn’t just let him up and leave with no explanation.

They took it about as well as expected, which is to say not at all.

But now, they are calm rather than the angry, grieving messes of the last few days.

Ideally, Historia should also be here but a queen has her duties.

Levi watches from a small distance, absently stroking his mare’s mane, as Eren is hugged and clutched and patted by his small group of friends, all  of them far more physically demonstrative than usual in the face of impending separation.

“He won’t come back, will he?” Hanji murmurs from beside Levi, their voice tightly controlled and lacking the cheer that used to saturate it. There is very little to be cheerful about these days for the lot of them.

Levi doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to. They both know that Eren will be in no state for a return trip; he’s barely fit for travel even now but he is gloriously excited at the prospect of searching for his pet dream. It’s certainly a better idea than staying inside the walls and waiting to die.

“Will _you_ come back, Levi?”

This time, the reason Levi doesn’t answer is because he doesn’t know the answer himself. Would he return alone? Would he even want to?

Who knows.

“Goodbye, shitty glasses.”

Levi starts to step forward, towards Eren who is heading their way with friends in tow, but he’s suddenly yanked back into a tight embrace. Hanji wraps themself around him, almost smothering his slighter frame. Levi endures it and lightly pats the arm around his middle in an awkward attempt at comfort.

He’ll miss them and he knows the feeling is mutual.

Eren is treated to the same enthusiastic hug when he reaches them and Levi can see the tears in his eyes as he returns it with as much strength he can muster.

Levi’s attention is drawn to Jean who approaches him with a somber expression, eyes swollen and just a little too bright.

“Sir…take care of him.”

“I will.”

There’s not much to say after that and Jean returns to the others, all of them looking on the verge of tears. Levi knows the feeling, has become rather familiar with it these last several days.

“Hey, Eren. Shall we go?”

Eren leaves Hanji to face Levi, looking down at him with a soft smile. His gaunt face looks genuinely happy despite the tear tracks marring it. Eren reaches out to take Levi’s face in his hands, bending down to press their lips together in a sweet, chaste kiss.

“Let’s go. We’ll find that ocean. For Armin, Mikasa…and for us.”

“Yeah…we’ll find it, Eren.” _For you_.

They will. They have to.

Once, he wanted a life with Eren. A long life of peace, one that they both earned.

There will be nothing of the sorting their future; no marriage, no tea shop and a cozy little cottage, no late nights making love, no growing old together. They won’t have a happy ever after.

It won’t be long before Levi’s alone with only memories of a bright-eyed boy whom he loved and who loved him to keep him company.

But for now, they have time. Eren’s _here_ with him, smiling and eager.

For now, that’s enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And done! I ran through a million ideas for this epilogue including scenes at the ocean and Levi after Eren’s death but settled on this instead. My first finished snk fic. Though I’m not at all satisfied with it, I’m pretty glad I managed to finish it.
> 
> Thank you to all of those who read, left kudos and comments, and bookmarked. You rock!

**Author's Note:**

> Usually, when I write for a new pairing, I go for something fluffy and/or pointless in an attempt to test the waters of characterization. Here it’s more liked I jumped off a cliff into the ocean while blissfully ignoring the fact that _I can’t fucking swim._
> 
> Right. Hopefully, this isn’t a total wreck.
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated!


End file.
